My childhood church was a revolving door of youth ministers. I honestly do not recall most of their names but three incidents vividly stand out when I think of my time in youth group.
I remember one was fired because he got an earring.
(It was the early 90’s people. He also had a mullet…which should have been the deciding factor for his termination not the earring. I’m kidding, kind of!)
Another youth minister got the axe because he didn’t fit the particular church youth minister mold.
(I slightly recall him resembling David Koreish.)
But the one I recall most vividly was the one who was fired for doing his job.
(Literally, three of the students came back from church camp wanting to be youth ministers and all-of-a-sudden he was brainwashing us. I’m sure there was more to the story but that was a tipping point.)
Come to think of it, maybe that is why I have such a strong distrust of youth group.
All joking aside.
I find people are somewhat surprised when I tell them our family is not actively involved in youth group. In order to remain respectful, I will only say this. We tried it and it was not a fit for our family. And I must say I was relieved when the decision not to go back was at the request of my child.
Before you check out on me.
If your child goes to youth group I am not saying pull them out. Youth group can be really good, especially for kids who do not have spiritual mentors at home. Youth groups are also really good as a supplement for parents already spiritually involved with their children. All I am encouraging is for you to know what is happening and and understand the role of the youth group your child attends.
However, it’s a slippery slope and one we, as the spiritual leaders of our children, decided not to slide down.
Now that you have been enlightened on where I stand on youth groups and might now trust that I am not partial to them, let me take a moment and defend the men and women on staff of churches all over.
Just like every story, there’s a good and bad side. I shared our not so good experiences, but I have also met some outstanding men and women of God who were an exception. And sadly, they are usually the men and women who get complained about from the parents.
In my humble experience, the main three complaints of parents concerning youth ministers:
-They aren’t teaching to the specifications of the parents. (I mean, where’s the curriculum! Why aren’t they training them to diligently defend defend defend….yep, I put that in there for us apologetic parents!!)
-They aren’t fun enough and aren’t doing enough church camps/cool worship music/Jesus culture; therefore they aren’t attracting the masses. (Who wants to do all this God stuff alone. Post about that here.)
And/Or
-All they want to do is teach, ironically, out of (gasp) God’s Word. I mean, who wants to come hear about God at youth group! Lighten up man….so serious.
Literally, I’ve heard each of these complaints while serving in a youth group and from other unsatisfied parents of youth. And I understand there are legitimate complaints also, but I feel very strongly that we don’t understand the reason for the youth group and the teachers.
So, please let me gently remind you of what youth ministers are not for your family:
–They are not the spiritual leaders of your child. It is YOUR JOB to train them up. Of course, youth groups can help but the meat of spiritual growth starts at home. If your children lack spiritual maturity, look in the mirror, don’t point to the youth minister.
–They are not miracle workers. Most youth ministers have interaction with your children less than 10 hours a week. How much time do you have with them again? If you say not much, then maybe it is time to re-prioritize your family time.
–They are not spiritual entertainers or baby sitters. I will never forget a dear Pastor friend of mine posted on social media that parents should not do a drop and go at church. He was verbally accosted within three minutes of posting. Let me encourage you to use that time to be spiritually fed yourselves. If your church doesn’t have anything for you, maybe try starting your own group.
Look, it truly does take a village to raise children. Having others pour into them is not wrong but it is also not anyone else’s responsibility either to do your job at home.
We have stepped back from spiritually rearing our children and then have made scapegoats out of the ones who have been encouraged to step in our place.
Alicia says
For me….this is a sad and depressing blog post. I was raised in church by incredible parents AND I had a wonderful youth pastor who influenced me heavily and is a huge part of who I am today. I went on to marry a minister and in our 24 years of ministry, 8 of those were spent pastoring students. Now we pastor a church and my own teenagers are benefiting greatly from our student pastor! It’s actually a beautiful thing! I understand and can appreciate that you are encouraging parents to do their job at teaching their children, and to not blame the youth ministers for everything. I agree with these thoughts. However, I completely disagree if you think you’re the only one who can or should influence your children spiritually. It’s disappointing to think that some younger mothers are out there reading this and have just been given a ticket to refrain from getting their children involved in the student ministry at their church. So sad…
Sarah West says
Thank you for your thoughts Alicia and thank you for all you do! As the parents, we are the primary spiritual leader of the home. I am sorry that you find the post “sad and depressing” but I feel part of my platform is to bring awareness to the charge of the family, since it has been so misplaced over the years. However, I am trying to see your point and figure out where you think I am giving young parents a “ticket to refrain” from participating in youth group? Maybe it was near the bottom of the last paragraph when I said it is no one else’s responsibility (?) because no where in the post do I saying “don’t participate” in youth group. It can be a great resource to parents already involved and for those without spiritual guidance at home. Again, its the lens in which you view youth ministry. Yes, other people can pour into your children, though I believe we, as the parents, should be vigilant with whom we allow to speak into the very gift God has given to us! Again, thank you for sharing your thoughts. If I am missing your point or a scripture reference needs to be brought to my attention, please share with me. I love to discuss thoughts and ideas with my readers. You are very appreciated!
Alicia Moore says
Sarah…thanks for responding! As a pastor’s wife of many young families, I do believe we should bring awareness to parent’s of their responsibility to be the primary spiritual guidance for their children. And of course I believe parents should be the primary spiritual leaders of their homes. I’m just not certain that sharing your bad experience and ultimately your decision to keep your children out of Student Ministry is the best way. You didn’t have to say “don’t participate”. You simply shed an awful dim light on student ministry, when actually there are so many wonderful benefits of having a specific church leader pouring into this age group! The fact is, I think you are speaking with the thought of communicating with “church” people when we, my husband and I, primarily reach “un-churched” folks. They are doing good to simply come to church and maybe say bedtime prayers. Of course it’s “ideal” for us to do more than this with our children. But the fact is, when it comes to raising their children “right”, there are so many clueless (for lack of a better word) young mammas and dads out there…and many times, just a single parent. They both work full time jobs, juggle extracurricular activities and don’t even know what “training up a child right” is. It truly bothered me that people would read your blog and say…hmmm…ok, so I don’t really need to get my children involved in the student ministry of our church…I’ll just do it all by myself. Again, you didn’t have to say “don’t participate”. It was very clear how you feel. I mean, for goodness sakes, it sounds like they’re all quite strange and apparently I certainly don’t need to be “dropping them off”! Now I know you didn’t actually say that, but honestly, that’s one of the silliest, paranoid things I’ve heard in a while. Parents at our church, including my husband and I, drop them and go on a date! 🙂 Woohoo! And then get to hear them chatter about all the fun things they did and how awesome the message was and who from their school was there!
Here is my main thought…If you want to charge parents to take spiritual leadership responsibility that’s one thing, but to begin how you did, it really did sadden me. Why? Because, as I said in my first response, I was impacted very strongly by youth ministers in my teenage life….and sincerely, I believe your children could be too.
Here’s ONE last thought. I promise! 🙂 To me, part of taking spiritual responsibility is to teach our children to honor and respect those who God has put in spiritual leadership over us. Obviously parents, but not just parents! God calls men and women to Student ministry. It’s truly a special gifting, and a rewarding one I might add! I thank God for those parents who entrusted us when we led students, to help lead their most precious gifts!
Blessings to you as you use your writing gift to minister and encourage your readers! Alicia
Sarah West says
Alicia, again thank you! Not sure if we will come to the same conclusion but I appreciate your perspective. Much of the issue seems to be context. And that is the issue with the written word isn’t it? It can easily be taken out of the context in which it was intended. And to clarify, I was writing to the church. My blog is intended for parents already walking in the charge and understanding the mandate to train up their children. However, I am sure that on occasion I get the naïve young parent who happens to stumble upon my blog and I run the risk of confusing. And I guess it could even happen to the more seasoned parent. I try to preference that we should always check whatever anyone says by God’s word. From what I can tell, you are not questioning that but my approach to the topic. That is a matter of taste and apparently it was sour to you. My heart is not to turn people away by how I come across but if I try to be too mindful, I’d never write anything! I hope if there is ever any confusion from my readers or a passer-by, I hope they would reach out like you did and ask me to clarify. More than anything, I would hope they would go back to God’s word and spend time in prayer on the subject matter. My kids are doing great and do benefit from other leaders, just not in a youth setting. I wish you all the best in your endeavors. I pray God blesses your ministry and through your love and the truth you share many souls are won for the Kingdom!